Perplexxed. 1 : Filled with uncertainty: PUZZLED.
2 : Full of difficulty.
Have you heard Summer Walker’s new song , “Just Might” ft PARTYNEXTDOOR? If not , I highly suggest listening to it.
“Just Might” finds Summer deploring the fact that no matter what she does, men always seem to come and go. As she hits her breaking point, she reflects on herself, believing it to be a product of her own shortcomings, and even begins to believe that she’d be better off in a less formal arrangement despite her hopes for more. Eventually she comes to the conclusion that she won’t let love be ruined for her, and that over time she can build a relationship that isn’t based on sex and what she can do for a man, but on her intellect and value as an individual.
The song was a little too real and I almost felt called out by the song..
“Love is a losin’ game and I just can’t take no more, no more
Said love is a losin’ game, so I just might be a ho (Yeah, yeah)”
These days men and women aren’t playing fair in the game of love. Nowadays, it’s all about one upping the other and/or not getting too attached to someone. Not seeming vulnerable, having a foot up on the next person and always leaving one foot out of the door. Is this what love is? Is this what it has become?
After recently removing myself/ridding my emotions from a two- year rollercoaster of a “situationship”, I’ve started dating. Sure I’ve gone on dates during my situationship but never anything serious. More so recently (second half of 2019 until now) I have entered the dating “scene”. The whole “Oh you’re cute! Let’s go grab a drink” or the “I’m in NOLA for the weekend ;).”
For this reason, I have met many interesting people. Whether in person, Tinder, Bumble, Twitter, etc.. Sure, fun experiences and fun moments but nothing of substance. I can’t say that I’ve met anyone “interesting” or “unique”. Drinking, clubbing, movies and many dinner dates.. with many dead-ends. Again, fun but just not my type.
How can we as a collective move towards place a of honesty, vulnerability and being okay with things ending? How can we make healthier and respectable efforts in regards to treating people better? In this new decade, I ask if we can all work to move to a space of honesty, openness and transparency.
JUST MIGHT x Self- Destruction (Part 1)
“ I really am a stupid bitch. Like, a real dumb bitch. Why do I put up with so much shit!”
An excerpt from my personal journal, dated October 16, 2019.
Why do I keep, purposely, doing things that I know are wrong? Why do I find myself being emotionally abusive to myself? Why do I keep going back to a situation that isn’t healthy? Every time, knowing that nothing ever changes? Only for things to be great for two weeks and then having me facetime my mom balling my eyes out. I haven’t gone back once, twice nor three times.. We’re in the double digits, over the course of two and a half years. Two and a half years of drama, a roller coaster. Two and a half years of “can’t get right”. Many broken hearts, thousands of tears and many sleepless nights. There have been many times where I have felt like “this what I deserve” or “this is as good as it’ll get”.
I found myself going back time after time.. after time. Thinking that it would work; thinking that things would change. Hoping that this person would realize what he had in front of him. Literally, praying that he would notice my worth and what I had brought to the table. Because, what more could you ask for?
Growing up, I thought I was the most emotionally secure person, ever. Especially, after watching my friends go through bad breakups and deal with scandalous s/o’s. I’d judge them (mostly in my head) because I never understood staying in situations where I wasn’t treated the way that I should’ve been.
I grew up with married parents (they weren’t perfect but as a child they hid things very well) so I had a sense or a picture of “love”. My parents and monogamy were all that I was familiar with. So, even then I would say that I knew how to treat someone that I loved and how I should be treated by someone who loved me.
Then, at 18, my world came crashing down after I caught my dad texting and talking to other women. His infidelity is what led to the dissolution of my parents marriage.
As a result, I also understood leaving relationships and/or situations that weren’t healthy. My mom also taught me not to settle (not only by telling me but by showing through her actions). As I said before, my parents hid things very well; my mom had been very unhappy for years prior to building the courage needed to divorce my father. Subsequently, thanks to my mom and her bravery, she showed me that wasn’t any way to live — someone that loves you and truly cares for you, would never hurt you. She showed me that there is always something better; and that doesn’t necessarily mean someone else but loving yourself. Treating yourself the way you know you should be treated. (Thanks Mom)
All this while not experiencing nor have been in any kind of romantic relationship. So, I just knew when these moments came that I was fully prepared to be okay with leaving and dismissing people who didn’t do right by me. Well, that didn’t really go as planned (lol). I remember calling my friends all kinds of “stupid”, “dumb”, “insecure”, etc.. Only to have been put in the same situations by someone that I was in love with. Never knew what “love” was so, I didn’t really believe that it made you do “crazy things”. Now look at my fool ass.
In conclusion, I never thought that I would be in the place that I was with my last relationship.. I mean “situationship”. I never thought that I would be that in that type of relationship. I could blame it on the fact that I had never been in a relationship prior to this nor have actually experienced love (romantically). Honestly, I thought I found someone special, caught feelings, then lost my virginity. I didn’t know what the hell to do and I didn’t want it to end. I really held on , or at least tried to hold to what I thought I had.
*Meeting people, getting to know them and establishing these connections are the easier parts. These are easily accessible because it’s all at face value. I’ll go more in depth with “Part 2”.
Until next time,