*Well, there was supposed to be a “Part 2” to my last post but I honestly want to wrap this up. Emotionally, I’m in a much better place and it has taken a LOT of work to get here. So, think of this as an open letter, if you will. From me, to you. For me and for you, too….
Ni**as will gladly serve you a slice of humble pie with a side of audacity.
For so long, I felt like I wasn’t enough for anyone, not even myself. I became super insecure and an unhappy person. This changed the way I acted, thought and how I judged others. I was so unhappy and bitter that I would say I became a hater. I was so quick to judge and call people all kinds of names because of the way they would carry themselves and interact with others. And this is me being 100% honest. Especially with other gay men. Because I was so unhappy, and this person made me feel like shit, I was so quick to call other men names when they were just being themselves. Because of this person’s promiscuity and the fact that they were out here with everyone and their daddy, I treated others differently.
You don’t expect someone that cares about you to hurt you. If you kept coming back, you would think it was because you wanted to work on it. Neither my friends nor family knew how bad my last relationship messed me up. I was ready to pack up my things, transfer schools, and move back home to Houston. I applied for schools last semester in Texas, and I began the application process to work for a law firm in Houston. I was lying, telling my friends I was moving because I was unhappy and that New Orleans was just a crappy city and that my life sucked and this was all because of a guy.
I was suffering in silence, crying for days and days because of heartbreak. When I shouldn’t have been crying over this guy. This was my first everything, and I couldn’t understand why he would want to hurt me in the ways he did. Even now I can’t wrap my head around the reason. Is it because you didn’t love yourself? You were unhappy with yourself? Your life isn’t going as planned so mess mine up, too?
I blamed our failures on me. Each time we’d take a break, it would be because I left. I never understood the reason for having a “talk” with him about whatever these situations were because as a grown man, I would think he knew the difference between right & wrong. But, each time I would still feel so bad and he’d lead me to believe that it was my fault. I tried so many times just for it to fail. We had sooooo many “talks’ ‘ trying to get it together, figure it out and work on things. But you never did that for us, that was only to shut me up. I was with a manipulative, lying, emotionally abusive asshole for way too long. And that’s also because I didn’t care to date anyone else. My excuses were “I just don’t feel like starting over.” or the ghetto ass “If I want some d, I know who to go to. So, I don’t care to meet new people.” Whew chile, the toxicity of it all lol.
And again, people only do what you allow them to. But why keep coming back if this wasn’t what you wanted. Every time.. It was definitely a cycle. Each time I got excited at the thought of us making it work. I always had a lot of hope for us doing what we needed to do to work on everything and fix it. I thought ups & downs were a part of relationships.
It took a lot of work to get to where I am now. A lot of crying, talking, running and writing to get me to a decent place. I find it so strange that someone or people can literally fuck your world up. This person had so much power over me because of me allowing it. I was literally preparing to move HOME! Like, I honestly do not care to live in Houston but I was very much ready to go. I let this situation change me as a person and allowed him to dim my dazzling light.
All in all, I will always be the one, and I will always be good enough. And that is all.
Also, after publishing my last post many of you reached out to me, unexpected but appreciated. Pleaseeee contact me if you ever want to talk about anything that I post or just want to vent. It is totally welcomed and I appreciate that some of you view this/ me as a safe space.