Life is funny, God is funny and so are the ancestors. A few days ago, Sims4 released an update that consequently caused my game to crash and is now unplayable until the next update (it fixes the last one). If you know me, then you know that Sims is my happy place.. I run to sims4 when I need to escape my troubles or just my daily life. Unhealthy, but it works temporarily. Due to my game being unplayable I had time to sit in silence and think. I sat still. So still and so silent that my demons came out to play. I didn’t have a choice but to confront my problems. I couldn’t not , not think about my worries. I didn’t run, and I didn’t find anything else to occupy my time. I sat there and dealt with my problems. I took that time to write out my plans, my thoughts/feelings and my goals. I took control of that moment and got very real and honest with my self. It was hard, painful and I cried. If you were to see me in my room writing , you’d think I was being held at gunpoint. And I’m not trying to be dramatic or over exaggerate this moment. It was pretty tough bc I felt like I didn’t have a choice and it was something that I needed to do. Sooner than later.
Anywho, After planning and writing .. I wrote out my week on my dry erase board last night. I wrote out any and all appointments, work and tests due and anything else of importance. So, now everything is placed right in front of my face and I no longer have to check my phone (or procrastinate doing so). I woke up this morning in a different place and instead of skipping homework or reading to play sims, I took the time to read my textbook for class tomorrow instead of waiting an hour before class to read. I read, took notes and after I decided to go for a run on the lake this morning. I was nervous bc I tried to go for a run last week but I couldn’t do it. I ran for about 30 secs before I gave up and walked home. I felt defeated. It was weird bc I love running and I’m an avid runner. But before that I hadn’t ran in a little over a month. And this is why sims crashing was what I needed.
My grandfather had been terminally ill and that bothered me more than I realized. I wasn’t playing sims everyday for several hours bc I was that in love with it. I was playing to forget about my real life. A coping mechanism. As long as I was playing sims , I didn’t have a worry in the world bc my sim was living their best life! I wasn’t running nor working out in real life but my sims was in the gym 5 days a week or in a yoga class😭. I’ve never experienced a death close to me so there was no way to be “okay” or a way for me to wrap my head around the fact.
My Paupau passed last Tuesday. I think I’m handling it well. Or I thought I did. I spent last week in my room……. playing sims. I didn’t want to leave my room nor did I want to leave my house. I spent my days in the dark eating fast food, playing sims and watching tv shows while doing so. I didn’t complete nor turn in any of my major tests, assignments or papers. I was absent from my regular life. Skip forward to last night, writing , and choosing to do differently and better. Then fast forward to this morning getting the courage/energy to run this morning.
Remember when I couldn’t run 30secs last run? I get out today and in my mind I’m telling myself I could do it. I CAN DO THIS!! Deciding to do something that I love, brings me happiness and keeps me looking like a SHNACK! I stretch for a bit before my run and start my time. I begin my run and I’m already tired and just as I was about to slow down, the wind pushed me. I felt two hands and an arm, sort of, behind me pushing me. I knew exactly who it was and I began to cry. Balling my eyes out. Picture me running and crying like shit. Not only was I being pushed, I was pushed into , meaning I was given peace, I was given happiness, joy and at the same exact time things were being pushed out of me… Things like my fears, my worries, my problems and the things that I could not control. I ran and cried my troubles away. Running miles just shedding dead weight , and probably crying out of my tears along with my fears. I’ve never felt so good in my life. I’ve never had this much peace.
I’m not sad, I’m happy. I’m glad my Paupau is in a better place. I’m so fucking happy that he’s no longer in pain nor living a miserable life. Sure I miss his presence , his love , his hugs , his kisses and his jokes. But nothing makes me happier than knowing that he’s okay. Knowing that he’s with all of his loved ones that were waiting to welcome him up above. And also knowing that he’s behind me in/with every step that I take.
I’m walking back home rn while writing this and at first I was getting a rough draft for a post that I was putting out today but I’m choosing to share this with you all. I hope all of this makes sense bc I’m not rereading this nor revising it. From my notes, to you ❤
As always, thank you and I love you all.