Moscato & White Grapes.

“Sometimes I get sad. I think it depends on my day or what I’m doing. Certain things, places, people, or smells can remind me of my last situation. Things will take me back to past moments and bring back sad or hurt feelings, and I’ll just start reminiscing/ getting teary-eyed from the hurt/betrayal. It used to happen more often back when it was fresh, but now it’s every so often and each time I heal just a bit more. Sometimes it’s sadness but I think more than anything I’m more embarrassed remembering what I put up with & what I accepted. It takes me back to moments when I didn’t choose me, but I chose him. Idk. It’s all very strange and weird. I’m still healing from things that I never knew hurt me, and I’m continuously working on me and striving to be a better me. Making healthier decisions and having healthier relationships.”

How does someone you gave you all to hurt you? Just throw you away and treat you like shit? Like me? Me of all people lololol jeez.

I shared this on my Finsta a few days ago, and it has really been on my mind lately. Sometimes I find myself super pissed or just super sad and I just want to hide in my room. I hate going back to moments I’m not proud of. Like I was driving back home tonight blasting Meg Thee Stallion, and I just thought about this mf.

Sort of wish there was some guide that helped you move/ maneuver through relationships or something other than a gut feeling that’ll tell you loudly that this person is not good for you. It’ll definitely save us time and heartbreak. It’s just crazy how one person and/or people can FUCK YOU UPPP! Mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’ve been messed up emotionally since my last situation. Can’t tell you how much I was disgusted with myself and how much I hated myself ( :/ ).

I didn’t and I still don’t know what “healing” looks like, but I have an idea. For me it’s writing, running/working out, hanging and playing sims. Idk.. those are the moments when I either choose me or they’re my moments of peace. When I’m writing, I’m real and honest with myself, and I try to dig deep and look into myself. Sometimes I don’t always know what I’m looking for, but ultimately I’m trying to fix the broken pieces. Working on myself until completion (I have a long way to go).

I go through the motions and moments when I don’t feel complete and less than, than usual and I hate that feeling. I hate going into a place that’s not good for me, a place so dark & lonely. I feel like it’s something I talk about often, and I don’t always feel embarrassed. I confide in my mom and my friends, and I feel totally fine doing so. I just wish I didn’t have to. I just wish that I was okay, ya know?

For a while I disliked myself, my body, my face and just everything and it was because of what I went through. I don’t think I’ve ever shared the worst details with anyone and just decided to take my shame and mistakes to the grave. I feel so embarrassed and I feel like I’m not the person people see when they look at me. I’m a wreck and a mess. And tbh, I don’t care what others think about me, it’s just sitting there thinking about the things I allowed.. that’s what I’m stuck on and some things are things people could never see me putting up with. It’s that part because I’m better than that, I’m smarter than that, and I know that I’m worth more than what I’ve dealt with. That’s embarrassing.

Even dating is weird. I am so turned off by people and I’m rarely ever interested in anyone and I’m not always sure if it’s me or if it’s the hurt wanting me to push people away. I definitely don’t trust people like I used, and that’s not fair to others, but it is what it is. Everything is just so different now. Some days I want to talk and/ or give people a chance, but it just takes one small thing to turn me off from them.

I’ve talked about this before but I’m a work in progress so I might write about this 10000000 more times lol. I titled this “Moscato & Grapes” because that’s what I’m drinking and eating currently. And I just wanted to share this little thing. Thank y’all, love y’all! Thankful for the endless support. I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving but y’all be easy and enjoy time spent with your loved ones <3.

–Perplexxed.

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