25.

Have you ever seen a finish line move? A touchdown, a goal, etc.? No, right?

I got up this morning for a run. This is my first time running in two months. No conditioning, no practice, no workouts at all, and I expected to run my miles in regular/conditioned times. No, that’s not realistic, and while I was running, I became tired and wanted to give up and walk it out. I felt defeated, and upset at the fact that I couldn’t run like I used to and I just wanted to give up. Instead, I slowed down and jogged the rest of my miles and not walk. At that moment, choosing to do that put life/ things into perspective. I know where my mile markers are, and I know no matter if I walk, run or jog, I’m going to make it to the finish line, my finish line. It doesn’t matter when or how I make it, but that I’ve made it.

I celebrated my birthday two weeks ago and before that time; I was not excited about turning 25. Why? The 25 that I imagined is not my 25 in actual life and honestly, I felt like a failure. I felt like nothing. This resentment and disappointment sat deep in my core and my soul. I’m grateful to be alive and to be celebrating my birthday, I just wasn’t happy. I just felt like I wasn’t the person who I dreamt of being and that I sort of let my 10 y/o self down. After a few days and a few talks, I found comfort in myself and in my life.

Like many people, we create these timelines for our lives. Married by 25, first kid by 26, house at 27, at the top of my career by 31, etc.. Whether society, our families, social media and so on constructed and/or shaped them. These timelines can add unnecessary pressures to what may already be a stressful/ hectic life. Unfortunately, I’m a victim of these toxic ideals and timelines.

Ultimately, it’s the creator of my depression, anxiety and worst moments. Trying to control things that are beyond me has led me to having a heart attack and crippling anxiety. It’s taken a lot of learning and unlearning to get to a place of comfort and acceptance. Never feeling like you’re good enough and/or doing enough is nothing, but the devil and the devil/life has been kicking my ass for the past 5 years. During that time, it has stolen my joy from me. I’ve been so focused on what I don’t have and not appreciating all the things that I have. All the things that I have accomplished and all the hard work that I’ve put into myself, my life and my studies. I’m a total badass and yet, I still don’t feel like I’ve done enough, if anything at all.

I can’t say that I compare myself to others because mostly, I don’t. But it can discourage you, seeing your counterparts do things or have things you want for yourself. And mostly, those things are material items. I have a lot; I am educated and I’m working on my graduate degrees, yet I still don’t feel like I’ve done enough. As some say “It’s a marathon, not a sprint” and that is how I view my life and the things that I do. I’m not perfect nor is my life perfect, but I am healthy, happy, wise and beautiful. I know for a fact that all the pieces will come together and MY finish line will lead to everything and more.

Best wishes on your journeys and your lives.
Peace– perplexxed.

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