Ugh, Those Feels Again.

I didn’t plan on posting this, but after talking to my friends; I feel I need to. We often discuss heartbreak, but in my experience, we rarely share how to heal or how we’ve healed. Me personally, I know that I’ve been too proud to express how I feel; I was embarrassed and in disbelief. In all honesty, I thought I was above all the things that I went through and thought those things would NEVER happen to me.

It’s amazing how my friends and I can talk about guys, our relationships and heartbreak, but never really talk about how we get through things. I think we take it day-by-day and probably sweep it under the rug because of other pressing issues. My outlets are running, journaling, playing sims, venting to my mom/ friends, and sometimes cooking and cleaning. None of those are effective. Ultimately, those activities help me bypass time and take my mind off of my feelings but haven’t helped me get over it.

I’m going to start over and start by being honest about how I truly feel and not let pride stop me from seeking the peace that I deserve. After talking about it so much, I realized how many people have been through the same things. I think it’s crazy how similar people’s stories are. So, I’m sharing this with you all.

Just took a break from studying to write this because I had this heavy feeling. I’m heartbroken, I’ve shared this with my friends, mom and with you all (to an extent). I’m hurt and I’m hurting. My heart hurts, my head hurts, and my eyes hurt from being so dry because I’ve run out of tears to cry. It sucks and no matter what I DO, I can’t shake this feeling. How do I heal?

I’ve journaled, gone to therapy, I run and I play sims just about every day to escape my world. Nothing works. I forgave him, and I forgave myself for what I allowed. And I still feel the same. I cry all the time, I’m sad all the time and I’m in a depressive state all the time. I want to be okay; I want to be happy, but how?

I hate the tweet “Everything reminds me of him.” Because this is my life. Except mine is heartbreak. This ugly dark place that I’m taken when reminded of someone who is dead to me. I had a tarot card reading last week (someone I go to) and she said that I was healing from heartbreak. Something we talked about the last time I saw her. It’s disgusting feeling the way I feel inside and for her to know I feel. I rarely discuss my genuine feelings with people. I’m tired of talking about the same thing!!! It’s been years. Why am I not over it? Why am I not okay?? I deleted the last pictures of him a week ago and I also deleted videos I didn’t know I had :/. But, yeah, sometimes I cry or I’m just really sad when reminiscent. I just wish I could erase those times out of my mind and heart. I don’t want to be damaged or carrying baggage. That isn’t Tarrion.

This was someone that I thought cared about me, wholeheartedly.. Truly, I “thought”. I stayed, and I continued dating him after taking many breaks throughout the duration of our relationship. Fighting myself and my better judgement, knowing that it would not work. EVERY TIME it failed. Whether we were good for two days, two weeks, or two months — in the end the breakup was inevitable. But we’d really miss each other when we’d be apart for too long.

I would really battle with myself, debating on whether I would go back. And I had always hoped that he changed, I hope that he really realized what he had in front of him. I would’ve thought that he had learned after a while that I wouldn’t go anywhere. I would not leave him like everyone else has, and that I would not hurt him. I wanted to be there for him.. I wanted to love him.

I got a text from that person two weeks ago and I wanted to throw my phone. I was so upset and just started crying because why are you playing with me? What hurts the most, and the messed up part is this person gets to go on with their life and here I am stressed, depressed and crying. Why not just leave me alone? You didn’t want me when you had me! You broke me down, made my accomplishments feel like shit and just made me feel like I was this ugly person. It’s f*cked up and I want to be over it, but how?

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