Baby Steps.

Hi, I started writing the bottom portion of this post in early January, but I never finished it and I sat on it. I slipped back into a depressive state (without fully accepting it) and then retrograde happened. I felt like I was going through unique twists and turns last month and I only had enough energy to focus on two things: myself and school. For a while, I felt like I couldn’t keep up with everything and after a while; I tapped out and let all the bad things take over and consume the little light that I had.

Something I wanted to change for the January and the New Year was my body. I gained a lotttt of weight while depressed. I ate lots of fast foods and hot chips. Honestly, I’m afraid to go to my doctor because it’s likely that I now have high blood pressure. There have been days where I haven’t wanted to leave my house because of my appearance. I don’t feel comfortable in my clothes and I’ve ripped a few of my fav pairs of jeans over the past month. And those specific pairs aren’t cheap *crying*. It’s hard going to work, school and the gym when I don’t feel confident. But I’m pushing through!

I’ll talk about this later in the original post but I failed two classes last semester and because of that I’ve been on TEN! Now I try to complete all assignments, tests, discussions and exams at the beginning of my week. Don’t judge, but I also get to my 9:30 am classes, 15 mins early just to sit in the front and prepare for my lecture. I study like my life depends on it (it does) and I make sure my work is flawless. I got shit to prove! It was embarrassing, sitting on a zoom call with both my dean and advisor and have a not so fun talk about my future in my program. My grades FUND my academic career!

Thankfully, I’m in a much better space since December but also better since starting the initial post. I’m taking my time with things and even though things aren’t moving as fast as I would like them to, I see progress. I’ve titled this phase “Baby Steps”. It came to me after getting back into the gym. The first day back in the gym, I was in there for 10 mins. Every day after I worked out more and used more machines, extending my time. I think we can all agree that getting back in the gym is rough and uncomfortable. Like it just feels like everyone is staring at or watching you? Right? Right.

____________________

Let me start by saying, I am better today than I was a few weeks ago. I’m currently happy hour-ing at my fav spot and also my old job lol. I got my eyebrows threaded, went to the mall, and talked to my mom before getting here. Let’s just say.. I’m having a beautiful Friday!

I wrote “The Blues. (Depression Awareness)” last year in October. I talked about seasonal depression and my experiences during that time. Fortunately, I am no longer sad or depressed. But October-December was a horrible time.

Those few months were super difficult, and I really didn’t think that anything was going to get better. I never really shared this, but I was borderline suicidal. Things got so dark that I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t want to wake up and live another dark day. Thankfully, I didn’t commit suicide, nor did I do anything to harm myself.

Eventually, I formed an alcohol problem. I found any reason to drink. I didn’t notice until I realized I was drunk for two days in a row for no real reason. It was the middle of the week. I went to CVS and Rouses and bought bottles of wine and would drink the bottles of wine. No glasses, no cups, no nothing. Usually, I keep a garbage bag of water bottles to recycle in my room. The bag that I used to discard all of my bottles of wine was just as big and 5x’s heavier. It made little sense to have that many bottles in a garbage bag. I would get drunk, play sims and go to sleep and repeat. This is so embarrassing to share because this doesn’t sound like ME! ……..It was a very wild time.

I was so low and in such a dark space during this time. So many things were going on and I just couldn’t keep up with the punches. It was literally one thing after another. I could wake up and choose violence every single day because rightfully, I could’ve. There were no breaks in between punches and, because of life, I had to get up and keep going.

Sadly, I failed two classes last semester and now I’m on academic probation. If it weren’t for me talking to my advisor and dean about my mental health, I wouldn’t have this second chance and I would’ve been kicked out of my grad program. Truly, I pride myself on my academic success, so for it to be in jeopardy really affects me. I asked myself if I was good enough and I actually thought about changing paths because of this. I was just disappointed and too ashamed to accept the reality of failing TWO classes.

My mom, my stepdad, my family and my friends. Jesus, I would not have made it through any of it if it weren’t for them. Everyone came running to help and just cover me in love. When I had nothing, they got it. I really don’t know when I’ll be able to repay them how I would like but I’ll find something that works. I really want to show my appreciation, something that really signifies and shows my love for them individually. More than anything, I am blessed to have my tribe. I know for certain my friends are with me at my lowest and highest. I thank you all <3.

My mistakes have limited my life and my presence in life. I’ve realized how much I’ve missed due to not being mentally and physically present. I want to take my life back and live how I want to. I’m in a different space and the only way is UP! My 2022 starts today.

–With SO MUCH love,
Perplexxed.

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