TwoSix.

Hiiiiiiiiiii! It’s been a couple of months since my last post, but here we are. Although I haven’t been posting, I’ve been writing during this down time and I’m happy to get back to sharing and growing with you all.

I moved to Houston a day after my birthday (omggg I’m 4 years away from 30). It wasn’t the easiest decision when first thinking about making the move, but over time, the answer and the need became extremely clear.

I visited Houston in early March while on Mardi Gras break to spend time with family and friends. What was supposed to be a quick get-a-way from the stress and troubles of life turned into a moment of releasing and giving up a ton of weight. Before returning home, I was stressed, depressed and just really going through it. My days were literally the same, over and over. 

When I booked my flight to Houston, I could not wait to LEAVE. Honestly, I had the time of my life during my visit home. I laughed, danced, ate reallllly good food, and so much LOVE surrounded me. When booking my trip, I was staying for three days but I pushed my flight back and stayed for two more days.  

On my last day, hours before my flight to New Orleans, I asked my mom if I could move back. Taken aback and visibly confused, she gives me a look before responding “What?”. “I remember asking you a while ago if you wanted to move back or thought about moving back and you just shot it down.. you didn’t even think about it”. And she was right. Back when she asked me, I wasn’t ready to move back. Then, I felt like I would be giving up and I wasn’t ready to let go. As we continued to talk, I felt excitement in her tone. I think she knew I wasn’t okay. I was trying to find a balance in my life.. I was actively searching for a new apartment because my lease was ending and I just felt like things were continuously and consistently being thrown at me.

When I got back to New Orleans, I began to plan and pack so that I could move to Houston. I had to put my two weeks’ notice in at work and schedule meetings with my professors and advisors to finish my semester in Houston. After organizing my affairs, I finally shared the news with friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. I had a small birthday/ going away purrty at one of my fav places in the city. We drank, took pictures and ate food until leaving. Kourtnie and MY mama, Lisa, brought a red velvet cake and everyone sung “Happy Birthday” in the middle of Bayou Beer Garden (I felt so odd because people were watching and singing along). After leaving the party, I went home and packed up my car, then drove to Houston at 5am.

The decision wasn’t a hard one to make, but what made it bittersweet was choosing to leave my framily (friends turned family). Going from seeing them almost daily to now being 300+ miles away sucks. Even though we talk all day, every day. I miss them so much! My friends have been my safe space, a home away from home. They’ve been through the lowest of lows with me. Times where I felt too embarrassed to share certain events/moments they were always there. 

I’ve been back for about 3 months and I’m still readjusting. I’ve been gone for 5+ years, some things are verrrry different. Thankfully, all of my family is here and so are my best friends. Since moving back, I’ve been out more than I was in New Orleans. There’s always something to do. And I’ve become reacquainted with distant/old friends. But being out too much hasn’t helped me find balance.

I haven’t had a lot of alone time; I see most of my family and my friends often. Then they’re the holidays. Stuff is just back to back. In New Orleans, I spent a lot of time by myself, whether it be at home or out, but now I live with my parents. AND I am not used to talking to people every day :/. It can be very overwhelming sometimes, but it’s been super helpful. Seeing and talking to people regularly helps with not feeling alone, my depression and anxiety. Spending time with my parents daily is helpful, no matter how annoying my mom may be. My best friend, Ivy, has been a tremendous help in feeling better about returning home. 

More than anything, I do not want to use this time incorrectly, this time and this move is giving me the space that I need to make myself whole. For a while, I’ve seriously considered taking antidepressants to help. But now, I’m in the perfect environment to grow and really focus on bettering myself in a way that does not include medication. I don’t want to continue to struggle mentally, and I’m prioritizing my mental health without worrying about the smallest responsibilities.

–Until next time <3,

Perplexxed.

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